Healing Emotionally & Spiritually After Abortion or Miscarriage

The subject of abortion is hotly controversial, the emotional aftermath and struggle is real for many, whether you are Pro-Choice or Anti-Abortion, and in my search for information on what women are doing, or what resources are offered, to help heal after an abortion, or miscarriage, I found much that was filled with religious judgment and shame, instead of the support and coping tools I was hoping for.

I found the advice offered by “Anti's” to be judgmental, preachy, proselytizing, and finger wagging. I don’t think women need to hear, “Just tell Jesus you won’t do it again”. That condescension and disdain feel like the manipulative bargaining of an abuser instead of earnest acceptance and loving support.

Women must be given their voices back to process the grief.

Let me tell you a little story, about a girl I know, let's call her “Sally,” who left her first husband as he tried to wrap a telephone cord around her neck to strangle her. (Back in the old days of wall phones with cords attached.) That day was her breaking point. Sally got her thumbs up beneath the cords tightening against her throat and fought her husband off. She fled with her young children and filed for divorce. Then she met someone else, and got pregnant despite birth control, while fighting for the divorce. Her attorney told her she would lose her toddlers to the maniac that tried to kill her if she continued with the new pregnancy. While she wanted it very much, she could not risk the well-being of the children she already bore. Her emotional pain was great. Although she'd do it again under the same circumstances, it wasn't what she really wanted and it would forever be a loss born of a path not taken.

There was a mourning period for Sally, and in her new relationship. Sally would light a candle for the space in the family where there could have been another soul. And in her little rituals of grief and acceptance, it would be always a sad loss, but not a weighty burden because she accepted the choices she made, and herself for making them. She could forgive the loss; feel and acknowledge the emotions and let them flow through her, so she could move on, and have children, create more of her life and not be stunted by this one moment.

Holding ourselves back with unprocessed grief and regret for lost opportunities, be it a pregnancy or another lost chance at something, has to be a poignant memory. One that is best seen through the lens of understanding and compassion and acceptance. If we allow any single difficulty of life, losing a job, a partner, a home, a pregnancy, to dominate our emotional selves like albatrosses, we choke our own lives, and like the telephone cord around Sally's throat, we have to remove the restrictions that bind us ourselves.

I'd like to share some things I've read in this research that I thought would be really useful to women who could use some healing after abortion or miscarriage:

Understand you are not the only one that chose abortion and that it is normal to need to process the experience – abortion providers outline that 1 in 3 American women have experienced abortion. (And most pregnancies end in miscarriage, but most of those miscarriages occur before a woman knows she is pregnant!) *

Realize that tears rid the body of toxins and bring healing– Many believe that if they begin to cry, they won’t be able to stop. Tears often help process emotions and bring release of the energy of difficult emotion.

Research the symptoms of depression–and seek help if you feel lost or desperate.

By far the best advice for me was in the article: 3 Ceremonies To Heal After Abortion19th June 2020 by Melanie Swan . Yes I love candles, and incense, meditative music and all, but I love the inspiration of the ceremonies' flexibility and creativity as well as the space to authentically acknowledge emotions relating to abortions, miscarriages and stillbirths, men who have experienced associated loss and for couples to do together.

Some women find no connection or have no more emotion about having an abortion than having a tooth extracted. But for others it is painful even as it is necessary. For those in the latter group, I hope you find some comfort in those “3 Ceremonies” or use the gentle practices of acupressure, asana, and/or meditation to support your healing process, find a good therapist, or simply a sit-down at the beach with your bestie and a cup of coffee or herbal tea.

You deserve a little pout time and reflection, just remember, there's Goddess work to be done! <3

Referenced articles:

Good reproductive health policy starts with credible research - https://www.guttmacher.org/united-states/abortion

This TCM-Inspired Sequence Is Helpful After an Abortion or MiscarriageYoga Medicine May 22, 2019 - https://yogamedicine.com/tcm-sequence-after-abortion-or-miscarriage/

3 Ceremonies To Heal After Abortion19th June 2020 by Melanie Swan - https://www.thesacredwomb.com/3-ceremonies-to-heal-after-abortion/

*New Research Shows Most Human Pregnancies End in Miscarriage: https://www.sciencealert.com/meta-analysis-finds-majority-of-human-pregnancies-end-in-miscarriage-biorxiv

Hopefawn RobertsonDecember 5, 2020