“Sorry Not Sorry; Women Who Feel Too Sorry Too Often”
When I met my husband, he would curse out loud every time I said I was sorry. “Dammit!” He would exclaim, “why do so many women I know apologize for NOTHING?!?” He would pledge, “I’m gonna break that habit for you!” And he began to point out every time I didn’t need to say I was sorry when I had done so. He wasn’t alone in noticing this irritating phenomenon. In my subsequent search for answers to why women say “sorry” so MUCH, I found a ridiculous number of writings on the subject. There was some ridiculous advice suggesting we “try not to mess up in the first place,” and to “save it.” Fortunately I kept reading.
In “I Am Woman, Hear Me Apologize: My Quest to Stop Saying ‘I’m Sorry’ All the Damn Time,” author Sydney Beveridge declares her problem and intent to resolve it. She points out that by apologizing, we diminish ourselves just when we need to be heard, saying she wanted to stop so that her words would “stop cowering when they should stand tall.” She reflects that “sometimes it seems like women apologize for just plain existing.” While she quotes a psychologist who “investigated gender differences in a study of self-reported offenses and apologies,” there is no attempt to understand why and how women’s overdeveloped need to apologize exists, much less an avenue to mitigate this self-deprecating, detrimental behavior. I pressed on to another article for more information.
Some of the best advice out there was offered in “How to Stop Saying ‘I’m Sorry’ All the Time & What to Say Instead” By Vivian Manning-Schaffel; replace “I’m sorry” with “thank you”. Somewhere, not too long ago I just read that elsewhere. That advice actually changed my world.
This article was inspired by an episode of “Inside Amy Schumer” which was liberally peppered with female apologies. Some say this extensive apologizing is passive-aggression, others say it is an expression of anxiety. That particular episode of Amy Schumer’s show sparked a lot of articles in feedback. Manning-Schaffel explores the topic through Maja Jovanovic, Ph.D., sociology professor at McMaster University in Ontario, Canada and author of “Hey Ladies, Stop Apologizing and Other Career Mistakes Women Make,” says, women have a fear of being offensive and not liked. But I suspect it has more to do with trained submissive behavior by a Patriarchal Controlling Society.
Rae Jacobson, of Child Mind Institute, wrote in response to Schumer’s show in “Why Girls Apologize Too Much”, that contradictions are confusing, reflect insecurity and anxiety, and “that girls are expected to be hyper-aware of how their actions affect others.” Dr. Stephen Hinshaw, a clinical psychologist says, while boys are given the go ahead to “be boys” with confidence; girls are given conditions. Girls are told: “Be confident, but not conceited, be smart but no one likes a know-it-all, be assertive but don’t upset anyone or make a fuss... Boys are more often rewarded for asserting themselves; girls for focusing on others’ feelings.”
We (women) need to allow ourselves to be direct and honest, over polite, and pleasing. Being direct most definitely CAN be polite too. We must keep apologies real and honest. Sometimes it is frightening to make a statement, or set boundaries which others may disagree with or not like. But acting confident fosters real confidence. We can take pleasure in ourselves when we are honest without venom. It’s okay if someone is upset. We can’t get real things done, like communication in relationships, if we aren’t honest as well as caring.
In “Over Apologizing for Everything? 5 Ways to Stop Saying Sorry Too Much,” Katherine Hurst tells us why we do this and how to stop. It says, and on some level this resonates with truth to me, that when we apologize way too often, we are essentially apologizing for our mere existence. Hurst recognized particular traits that seem to coincide with this behavior. Included in these traits were: compassion, submissiveness in relationships, agree ability, lack of faith in one’s own judgement (confidence), a strict background, and anxiety. Hurst actually refers to this as “over-apologizing disorder” which can be caused by a myriad of development of personality traits, i.e.: difficult upbringing, emotional abuse, naturally high levels of compassion - but also it is adaptive to gain trust. Perhaps more people with the above stated personality factors need this sense of humility to form bonds, Harvard Business School says we “trust people more if they make unnecessary apologies when they approach us.”
Kat Ellis wrote that the gender difference in “I'm sorry’s” is as obvious as the forced pink is for girls, blue is for boys narrative. In her article, “Women Say I’m Sorry Too Often”, Ellis recognized that “The act of apologizing reinforces female stereotypes such as passivity and politeness.” Its submissiveness is irrefutable. Confidence and self-esteem are quite arguably traits purposefully instilled in boys from birth, but girls are raised to be unsure and compassionate to the point of self-detriment.
So with confidence in my extensive reading of ten or so articles and their individual sources, coupled with my experience personally and others around me, I recommend the advice from “The 5 Ways to Stop Saying Sorry Too Much” by Katherine Hurst:
5 Ways to Stop Saying I’m Sorry Too Much
Pause before apologizing - take a moment to check whether
an apology is appropriate.
2. Express Compassion Differently - Acknowledge a difficult emotion without apology.
3. Know your triggers - write 10 things that make you want to
apologize. Then rephrase each one.
4. Phrase Questions Carefully -
Asking for clarification needs no apology. (Could you say more about that?)
5. Turn apologies into Gratitude - (I knew it!)
The next time you feel an apology rising within, rephrase it as gratitude. “I’m so grateful”, or “Thank You” are perfect replacements for “I’m sorry.”
References
Beveridge, S. (04/26/2018). “I Am Woman, Hear Me Apologize: My Quest To Stop Saying ‘I’m Sorry’ All The Damn Time”. Retrieved from HuffPost:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/women-stop-apologizing_n_5ae0b420e4b04aa23f1e7f09.
Manning-Schaffel, V. (10/05/2018). “How to stop saying 'I'm sorry' all the time — and what to say instead.” Retrieved from NBC News:
https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-stop-saying-i-m-sorry-all-time-what-say-ncna917011.
Jacboson, R. “Why Girls Apologize Too Much - How to help them stop saying 'sorry' and express confidence.” Retrieved from Child Mind Institute:
https://childmind.org/article/why-girls-apologize-too-much/.
Hurst, K. “Over Apologizing for Everything? 5 Ways to Stop Saying Sorry Too Much.” Retrieved from Law of Attraction:
http://www.thelawofattraction.com/stop-saying-sorry/.
Sheehy, R. (04/18/2019). “Women say ‘I’m sorry’ too often.” Retrieved from The Breeze: